6N Blog

“Pick me out a winner, Bobby.”

“Durrr, okay.”

UPDATE: So apparently I wrote off Jack Parkman and his shimmy; I completely forgot he was a catcher. And apparently Lou Collins was a first baseman, but I haven’t watched that flick all the way through in like 10 years, so sue me. Name me a better second baseman and I’ll stick him in ASAP.

In this post in which I gushed about 1992’s Mr. Baseball, or mores specifically about Tom Selleck’s mustache in general, I mentioned the other day that I crafted the potential lineup for the Baseball Movie All-Star team. I’ve gotten a request or two to post this little baby, so why wouldn’t I? It’s a slow-ish news day, and who am I to turn away our one or two readers from this stroke of genius? Obviously you guys are going to blast it regardless, but I spent about 17 minutes on this, which is more than I usually spend on anything. So respect it. By the way I didn’t include any real ballplayers that have had movies made about them, so guys like Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Lou Gehrig are out. Sorry. Fake players only.

THE LINEUP:

1.) Willy Mays Hayes – CF, Major League

This is about as obvious a choice as you could get for a leadoff man. Hayes was the ultimate leadoff man for Lou Brown’s Indians, and was a terror on the basepaths (he had a whole wall of gloves to prove it). I specify the original Major League here, mainly because Wesley Snipes is the man, but also due to the fact that when Omar Epps took over in Major League II he had a notion that he could be a power hitter. What a fool. It was also Hayes that scored the winning run against the Yankees in the first flick, stealing second against The Duke and then scoring on Jake Taylor’s improbable bunt. You can’t teach speed like that.

2.) Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez – SS, The Sandlot

I was actually kind of perplexed as to where to put Benny in this lineup, or even if I should start him. I could be wrong but I believe he plays every position on the field since the kids didn’t have enough players to field a whole  team, plus he’s athletic enough to play short. He’s a good contact hitter that can drive the ball to all fields, but doesn’t have the power yet to be a middle of the order guy. That will come with time, but this kid’s for real.

3.) Jack Elliot – DH, Mr. Baseball

For the sake of the argument let’s say this team plays in the AL, and there isn’t a classier DH around than Tom Selleck’s Jack Elliot. Sure he got shipped over to Japan, but he took the country by storm and showed promise with the lady folks over there as well. The guy’s a professional hitter, and a class act. I’ll get some shit for this, but this is the last baseball flick I’ve seen lately so I’m a bit biased. He’s older, he’s got bad knees, and one hell of an attitude. But obviously the coaching staff can light a fire under his ass. This is a tentative number three choice, but I respect the right to change this lineup based on your input.

4.) Roy Hobbs – LF, The Natural

Best pure hitter of the bunch, Hobbs just rakes. I don’t care what his past is, or why he chose Glenn Close over the smoking hot Kim Bassinger, but the guy can flat out hit. He’s the press reporters’ worst enemy, but we need a guy on this team that doesn’t mind being the bad guy in the papers. Plus he broke the fucking lights despite a bleeding gun shot wound, why wouldn’t you want him up in a big spot?

5.) Heddo – 1B, Rookie of the Year

This former Met choked in a big spot against the Cubs in NLCS, but the guy is the perfect number five hitter. Big swing, kills fastballs no matter where they’re pitched, kind of reminds me of a Vlad Guerrero. Plus he has exceptional facial hair and has no problem taunting opposing pitching staffs. If I’m ever in a bar fight in the New York metorpolitan area, Heddo’s the guy I want at my back. Just lay off the floaters.

6.) Pedro Cerrano – RF, Major League

Speaking of guys who can’t hit breaking balls, I put Cerrano all the way down in the six hole based on the fact that he’s got a hole or two in his swing. But he’s got Jobu on his side and can hit in big spots. This lineup is loaded top to bottom, I could’ve easily put him anywhere 3-6.

7.) Jack Parkman – C, Major League II

Major lineup shift here, as Parkman brings his shimmy and homerun swing onto the roster. Sure he’s a polarizing figure, but he’s a ladies man and he’s a sure fire All-Star. Although he’s had issues with certain starting pitchers before, i.e. renaming pitches after masturbation.

8.) Roger Dorn – 3B, Major League

Dorn’s here by default, mostly due to the fact that it took me six minutes to think of any third baseman that had a significant role in any baseball movie. He’s a free agent after next season, but he’s proven he can overcome adversity (like the star pitcher screwing his wife), and is no ole-ing the ball at third base. Punchy hitter and he can get it done in tough stretches. Believe me, if there’s a move to be made by the trading deadline Dorn’s ass is on the bench, or shipped out of town if we can pull off the right deal.

9.) Lou Collins – 2B, Little Big League

Consumate professional, Lou’s another solid veteran. His bat has slowed down in the last few years but he’s tenacious, and he has a heart of gold when it comes to dealing with managers still in middle school. Plus I’ve got a thing for the mom in that flick so anybody that can swing a move for that lady gets my respect. Number nine hitter, thought about switching him and Rodriguez but Benny’s got too much potential to suffer at the end of this lineup. Although his speed would’ve made for a nice 9-1 punch with Hayes at the top of the order. Just some food for thought. And Dotts says Lou’s a first baseman, but fuck it…the guy’s going to do what it takes for the team.

BENCH:

Taylor, Ben Williams (Angels in the Outfield), Jerry Johnson (Little Big League), Clue Heywood (Major League), Whit Hemmerling (Angels in the Outfield)

PITCHING STAFF:

1.) Rick Vaughn, RHP – Major League

Obvious choice here. This staff is loaded with veteran arms and some young talent at the back end, but when Vaughn is on his stuff is electric. He’s got a temper and some control issues, but with the right catcher in place he can be effective. Probably will have to platoon Taylor when Vaughn’s on the hill, but the Wild Thing is the consensus number one arm.

2.) Nuke Laloosh – RHP, Bull Durham

Laloosh is loaded with talent, but he’s also batshit crazy. There’s no question that this kid is going to be a star in the majors one day, but he’s got to get his shit together. He does have his pick of the ladies though, and that’s an obvious marketing goldmine for this organization. If he can put it all together he’ll be something special.

3.) Eddie Harris – RHP, Major League

Eddie’s a God-fearing good Christian, plus he doctors his pitches so he’s a guy I want mentoring these young arms. He’s got nothing on his fastball, but a little Vaseline will give a guy another 4-6 inch drop on his curve. He mixes it up and can throw everything except the kitchen sink at opposing batters. Plus he can pitch in big games, and we need that.

4.) Chet Steadman – RHP, Rookie of the Year

Chet’s on his last legs, but we’re going to milk that arm for all he’s got. It was a tossup here between him and Tony Danza’s Mel Clark, they’re both gutsy veterans with a little gas left in the tank. But the emphasis is on little, so I’ll have Mel waiting in the bullpen to take his spot in the rotation. Plus if I get on Gary Busey’s bad side there’s a good chance members of my family may be slaughtered. Just hope that shoulder holds up for 15 or 20 starts. I’ve also got Steve Nebraska (The Scout) waiting in the wings, but that’s just too much untapped talent. Unless it’s the World Series and management demands it.

5.) Henry Rowengartner – RHP, Rookie of the Year

The wild card of the bunch, this kid came out of nowhere, or rather the centerfield bleachers to snag the last spot in the rotation. He’s basically a one pitch picther, but when your one pitch is 100+ mph heat, that’s better than nothing. I just have a feeling it could all blow up for him at any moment, for example a slow roller to the mound that he slips and falls on. Still, you can’t deny that talent. Plus he’s got a hot mom. So there’s that.

BULLPEN:

Clark, The Duke (Major League), John “Blackout” Gatling (Little Big League), Nebraska, Kenny DeNunez (The Sandlot), Whitt Bass (Angels in the Outfield)

So basically that’s it. What have we learned? That I have too much time on my hands? Yes.

Complain all you want. That’s my team. Suggestions will be considered, however.